beauty

my phone died.





i see a lot of beauty. i hear a lot of beauty.
and i see how i am disgusting.
i am so tired of everything.
i was so fine, right.
and then one night, i took a nap earlier.
woke up a little too early and couldn't fall back asleep.
curled up into a ball.
prayed the same prayer that i've been repeating for the past month over.
and over and over.

and now all i do is listen to coldplay and realize how much i don't know/understand about life. it is so much. and i feel bad about myself and everything else. i hate richmond, canada. i want to live in montreal. stars is coming this saturday to vancouver and i will be in idaho having the time of my life. the oregonian interviewed me today and my favorite person in the world's father called me today. oh, life is just so great. i am sicked of by people and i am sick of people. i know what it's like on both sides. in two situations. and i'm sorry. i don't think enough. i just let go of myself and that isn't very wise. i'd like to think that music and i have a special relationship and i just haven't opened myself to it. that's what i'd like to think. and i'd like to buy a grand piano. i'm going to play the coronet this summer, not the trumpet. i'm glad that boston is ahead and winning. i am so glad. i like reading kurt vonnegut. i wanted to write a book at one point in my life. i think i will. i hate shopping and i hate spending money and i hate eating. i like esther. i read it. my mom got me the message. and the church got me another bible. i will read them. i am going to boise and i will look at peregrine falcons. i am intrigued by a few people. i am probably going to go bury myself somewhere.