graduation

in about seven hours i am supposed to speak in front of my church about anything i please. to reflect over the past four years.

i feel like i am being scrutinized.

i have changed a lot since freshman year, grown a lot. i've gained some confidence. the thing i'm the most proud of is that when i was a freshman, the biggest problems i had revolved around my arguments with my parents. now, i get along with my parents and i can actually talk to them, something that i wouldn't have ever wanted to do awhile ago.

i've learned the most in the past two years. god has challenged me so much through all sorts of relationships. i decided awhile ago that i want to grow and i desire wisdom. but i trust him. my favorite verse is hebrews 11:40. "god planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." god knows what's up and i don't. and i like it that way. i've learned to trust god. i desire to be like christ, so i know my heart is in the right place, and my intentions along with that. so, i know god is leading me to where he wants me and all of the struggles that i have gone through, am going through and will go through only strengthen me and teach me more. everything sounds so cliche right now. but no, don't regret anything that i've done because i know better now. i know better now.

and all this hurt, i don't know what to do with it. i give it to god. and i've fallen in love with psalms because it aligns with my cries for help and the lord's answers. it's nice to know that i'm not alone. and that's one other thing i've learned. everyone else is going through life and everyone else has problems. heart attacks, suicide attempts, mean girls, broken friendships, lots of things. it's ridiculous and sad. but there is so much hurt going on and i need to be more thoughtful of that, and i wish we all were. i've learned that you need balance too though. one can't dwell on their sadness all day. but at the same time, if you are sad you are sad. it doesn't matter if your situation isn't "as bad" as someone elses. if you have pain, you hurt. other people can handle different situations but we're all learning something through it all.

i've gained confidence. in some situations. and others, no. i am learning to be dependent on god. i love my family. i love my church. they support me so much! and i desire to radiate christ. and i know i don't. it all starts in my heart, and that's where i need to start.

next year, i yearn to pray. to really pray. to have faith to evoke change. to pray like aunty karin. β™₯

oh, god. i am going to miss so many people next year. and there is so much i want to get away from and so much purpose that i want to get to. i don't know what to say. i wish your soul could paint a picture and that you could read it and understand. understanding, compassion and love.
love. all i need is more love please.